Brainsick Soliloquy

DESPERATELY SEEKING MAIDSERVANT! (The couple had obviously seen the movie Desperately Seeking Susan which had an unforgettably hot scene that Madonna enacted with ease. Cough! cough! Back to the ad now!)

A well trained, experienced maidservant required to perform household maintenance activities for two hours daily. Salary and compensation on par with best in industry.

Interested candidates should fulfill the following conditions:-

1. Should be able to converse in Hindi (This requirement was subsequently altered to “Should be able to communicate in spoken or sign language”. The initial clause was inserted much before the recruiting couple knew about the simplicity of the language Telugu. Telugu unlike other languages of the world does not take much effort to learn. The logic behind the language is elementary. Take a word in any language, suffix an “uu” or “ulu” or an “intti/antti” to it and voila, you have the telugu word for it. For example, take the word “Car”. The Telugu word for “Car” is “Car-uu”. If you desire to render respect to the Car it is “Car-ulu” and if you are referring to the Car in third person it becomes “Car-intti”. Rudimentary, isnt it?)

2. Should NOT be a fan of Himesh Reshammiya. (This was the only inflexible requirement. According to doctors in AIIMS, Himesh Reshammiya’s monotonously resonating, nasal tone is capable of triggering life-threatening biochemical reactions in living organisms. To make matters worse this condition has been certified highly contagious and could ultimately end up in a hemorrhage of one’s musical senses)

3. Should not be be a member of militant labour unions. (Long years of living in Kerala, the haven of “progressive, anti-bourgeois, anti-capitalist, anti-comprador” labour outfits had enlightened the recruiting couple about the apparent benefits of an egalitarian society in which man and man do not compete with each other but unionise, kill efficiency, scare away investment and finally scratch each other’s backs to engage in productive socialist endeavours)

4. Should not pilfer, swindle, rob, steal, loot, plunder national or individual wealth. (Straightforward!)

5. Should be friendly to green (environmental) causes BUT should NOT be a member of eco-terrorist outfits like Greenpeace, Earth First or even our desi NBA. (With due regard to ecological issues, a Green terrorist in one’s own backyard is bound to be a pain in the wrong place!)

6. Should have worked as Maidservant in at least five households before and should be able to produce Certificates of Good Conduct from any of the above households.

Candidates who have attended interview in the last nine months need not apply. (Inspired by IT company recruitment ads).

Apply immediately to maidtoorder@malicious-mallu-midwives.com or walk-in for an interview on DD/MM/YYYY

The response to the ad was overwhelming. The next day there was a flurry of emails to the above ID. Crowds of avid employment-seekers thronged the roads that led to where else, but Rome! Battalions of the Rapid Action Force were deployed to enforce order.

The first aspirant was a scrawny, almost-crumbling lady called Seethamma. To every question shot at her Seethamma answered with her endearing 32-teeth smile and highly incomprehensible Guntur Telugu! Evidently she did not know a single word of Hindi but she communicated as much as required. And that made an impression. The decision was made. RAF fired two rounds of bullets in the air to disperse the ever-expanding congregation of candidates.

Cut to present! One year later, Seethamma continues to adorn the position of Chief Maintenance Officer in that household, mumbling a couple of words (in Telugu) only when she seeks permission to leave after completing work, serving the couple with utmost earnestness and sincerity. Let them live happily ever after.