Brainsick Soliloquy

After Shilpa Shetty’s phenomenal accomplishment in bringing home the Celebrity Big Brother crown, Indians worldwide have embarked on a novel petition campaign to declare Shilpaji a national treasure. Going by the statistics of the petition campaign and the vitalstatistics of the object of the campaign I genuinely feel that Shilpaji should be consecrated as a jewel in India’s crown. Why not call her Mummy of the Nation? After Mother India of course. That would make her Second Mother of the Nation. Then wouldn’t she be called Step-Mother of the Nation? Forget it. Why not Sister of the nation? That would hurt the sentiments of several “rather-would-not-be-brothers”. Let us freeze on Celebrity of the Nation. And aptly so, given that she brought the Celebrity Big Brother crown back home. Finally, Shilpaji has something to cheer about as well. Her resourcefulness in unleashing big brothers of the underworld on the hapless owners of Praful Sarees did prove to be an experience to bank on besides her inborn acting skills. If at all you term proficiency in gyrating your body to rhythm and flaunting a perpetually moronic grin as skills worth advertising.

Propelled by the success and popularity of Big Brother, an American TV channel has decided to outdo their weaker cousin across the Atlantic by hosting a reality show called Megastar Big Sister. Unlike the usage “Big Brother”, “Big Sister” does not have undesirable Orwellian undertones to it. And it keeps the feminist camp happy. The technology workforce residing in the US (read Telugu community) has however expressed its animosity to the usage “Megastar” since that is proprietary and can be used to address just one person – Chiru.

Yesterday, the Government of India declared the selection of participants to international reality shows a subject of utmost national security and the
sole prerogative of the cultural ministry. And the babudom that reigns over the ministry is unanimous on the nation’s representative and contender to be Big Sister. Shakeela! In a happening press conference, the Minister of Culture, Ambika Soni (another intimidating sister herself!) proudly revealed India’s choice. She also elaborated on why analysts have put all their money on Shakeela to win this coveted competition.

1. Shakeela fits in to the Big Sister mould much better than any personality (living, dead or both) 2. No one would dare pass comments against Shakeela’s origins or colour because wild buffalos are not known to be very generous to people who taunt members of their community.

3. Once Shakeela enters the Big Sister household there would not be any room for other participants to move in. She would be the only choice for the title! That is a real winner of a reason to field her candidature!

4. Just like Shilpa, Shakeela also is a promising actress with immense potential and lots of exposure whichever way you see it. And they have so much more in common – Look at their names. S, H, L, A… Its hardly a coincidence Go Shakeela! Go! Teach the yankees how shocking reality can be!! Big Sister is watching you!

Every friend or acquaintance who has been kind enough to drop me a mail in the recent past invariably starts off with a reference to Texas being cowboy country and quizzes me about my wild west encounters. Since cowboys on horses can be seen in abundance roaming around in the streets of wild wild Austin (as common as are snake-charmers in India), I have been quite philosophically restrained whenever confronted with such a question.

Another favorite Texan association that the junta seems to harbour is George Bush. Bush is not a Texan by birth however inspirationally cowboy-like he may be in his actions. Legend has it that Bush Sr. and family moved to Texas from Connecticut in the distant past after 4 year old Bush Jr. set their house on fire to prevent intruders and would-be terrorists from burgling their belongings. But that is just a legend. Many of you would have already got wind of unconfirmed reports that ancestors of Bush were from Kanjirappally in Kerala and that the surname Bush was originally Kuttikkaadan (which translates to what else but Bush). While the rest of the world blissfully believes that they are dealing with an Anglo-Saxon world leader with obvious right of centre ideological allegiances, the small community of faithful readers of this piece can bask in the light of exclusive information that Bush is an achayan by name George Kuttikkaadan with a 500acre rubber estate in Kanjirappally and a strong allegiance to the multi-factional Kerala Congress.

Back to Texas! Five months in Texas and here is what I have learnt!

1. Makes sense to build your proficiency in Spanish for a variety of reasons (se habla Espanol)
2. Being Mexican is far worse than being Indian here in Texas. And if you are a Mexican Indian, god save!!
3. When in Texas buy a truck! Bigger the better!
4. Never go to a beach resort in winter, even if it is in the tropical zone or if it is not cold. You don’t know what you are missing!
5. Mastering the art of speaking in the classic Texan accent is a piece of cake if you speak English the Mallu way. There definitely is a linguistic connect between Texans and Mals.
6. Salad is the only ‘dish’ that a total vegetarian can hope to get here. And that too upon request not to add dead animals.
7. If you don’t do your grocery shopping at HEB, you don’t qualify to live in Texas.
8. Membership in a local Mallu association is just a phone call away. “They” are always watching you!
9. Even if you are living on the moon and feel that your thirst for a dose of motherland would be quenched by watching a Bollywood movie, please don’t watch Salaam-e-Ishq. You’ll never get out of the moviehall alive!

There ya gow! Ah hope yawl enjoyed raidin’ this post! I have some more nonsense lined up but have been taking refuge behind the excuse of being mired in work! Not for long though. I will think of a different excuse soon.